Personally-Written Stories

In the 16th century, in a time of colonization and exploration a kid was born, Albert Main. He was born in London, England (Correction: Beijing, China), and was immediately abandoned by his parents. He was in fact abandoned, but it is more factual to say that his parents just lost him in the local zoo, This is where the unfortunate story of Albert begins. He was born when he was around the age of 5 years old and has been proven to have suffered from Oslo Syndrome (Which means he can't comprehend the basics of common sense), but he was really good at painting. At the young age of -2, Albert began painting perfect renditions of the human anatomy and knew more about it than most doctors of the time. Doctors hate him, but he was able to draw the perfect anatomy of humans in 3 simple steps, only at the small cost of a monthly subscription to this newsletter. He was eventually seen as a witch, and earned himself the name, "Witch Boy" in London, and was driven out of his birthplace, Beijing China (Correction: London, England). Due to his infamy, he could not return to England so he decided to move to the quaint small little village of Beijing, China, where he wrote a memoir about suffering from Oslo Syndrome (A disease that makes you very sleepy). His book (titled "Harry Potter and the Chocolate Factory") was published in the Peoples Republic of China on March 8th, 1962 when he was about 25 years old. He had earned 20 million dollars worldwide just from royalty fees, but having Oslo Syndrome (A disease that causes death when convenient to my plot), he suffered a seizure stoke attack aneurysm. His legacy was remembered for millions of years until 2006 when people forgot his name because they had Oslo Syndrome (a disease that makes people forget about historical figures who also had Oslo Syndrome).

The Story of the Great, The Sad, and the Zuccbamaberg Urkel

Plot:

To understand this, I will have to go back 10 millennia....and then forward 7 millennia....(so actually just 3 thousand years). In the small hard working town of Googlae In the nation of Estonia on the 'Bama Peninsula, a new ideology has been formed by Yortin Tobin the third. It calls for a world of division and monarchy. He believed that the world could not survive with a united world order. This new ideology is called Youtubism. Although many respected his opinion, it was only 100 years after his death the influence of his book was finally seen. 3 new nations would rise from the ashes of Yahoonia, Trom Trom, OneTwoThreeGoh, Fiev MenutCraftes, and Bellum Degeneouros, These four nations expanded past their territories so far that they had owned the entire North East of the world. They were believed to have joint rulership, but recent discoveries show that warlord tyrant Bellum Degeneouros had complete and utter control over all of the lands.

Meanwhile, on the opposite side of the world, a new religion was founded by the three prophets Steve Urkel, Steve Harvey, and Mark Zuckerberg. They formed the Bob Rossian Religion, a religion based solely on the teachings of Bob Ross. The Rossian Empire formed in the southwest and soon expanded into the north and east. Despite their power, they collapsed due to the old rossian religion splitting into three. The three break-offs were the Harvian, The Urkelism, and the Zuckian religions. They soon divided the nation of Rossian into three independent states. Harvian followed the ideology of Economics and business, Urkelism followed a more anarchic style of government with their army consisting of worn militiamen and mercenaries. Zuckian followed the idea that voting is more important than anything else.

Meanwhile, in the southeast of the continent, a major power known as USBSW (United States of Big Sad Weasel) rose from the great city of Ribbletania to the lengths of the entire east coast of the continent. They could not hold onto this power any longer however because the nation broke into hundreds of city-states and warlords, although a nation was able to reunite most of the old northern territories of the empire, they were never able to reach the southernmost states due to the Da'Lama Mountain range.

From then to now not much has changed, although news reaches Steve Urkel that Bellum Degeneouros DCLXVI (666th) had planned on completing her expansionist plan by invading and destroying all of the Rossians and Big Sad Weasel....ians? She started by annexing Estonia and some northern Weasel territory. Urkle has to somehow find his old companions and reunite the Rossian Republic, This proves difficult for him but eventually, they were able to push back and destroy the Degeneouros dynasty along with the Youtubism Ideology.

Characters-

• Steve Urkel- Protagonist

• Steve Harvey- Second Protagonist

• Mark Zuckerberg- Third protagonist

• Bob Ross- God

• Bellum Degeneouros the 666th- Antagonist

• Trom Trom, OneTwoThreeGoh, Fiev MenutCraftes- Side antagonist

• Obama- There

Setting-

Set in the fictional world of ςግტබຢ৯ (Jenashia, roughly translates to Parmesan Cheese in English). The world is split between four competing cultures that can't seem to get their stuff together, most to least influential cultures are Rossanian, Degenourite, Big Sad Weasel, and Da Lamanians (a sub-culture of Big Sad Weasel). The Degenourites seem to be getting ready to invade the rest of the entire freaking world, so the GSN (Gem Shopping Network) mafia sent this information to Steve Urkel (The Third Prophet of the Rossanian religion). He sought out to find the two other prophets, Steve Harvey and Mark Zuckerberg. He was able to find Steve Harvey in the capital of Harvania (Harvey). He then was able to find Zuckerberg in the capital of Zuccland (Zuckerburg). On the way to confront the main antagonist Bellum Degeneouros, they came across a small town called New Elizabeth, in this town they found Obama. Obama was known as the greatest person in the world due to his... Uh, I don't know?

After they recruited Obama it was only a matter of time until they met up with Bellum, The first encounter they had was really awkward and no one really knew what to do until Bellum just kicked them out, but this wasn't the end for the protagonist as they would find one thing that could beat Bellum, they CANCELed her.

Crazy

Awesome

Nukes

Can

Eleminante

Literally anyone

...yes, they just nuked her. I don't know how they got these nukes or why they thought that was the best idea...but I guess it worked. Honestly, I don't know if this is anticlimactic or the complete opposite.

Aftermath

After the events of the story, Urkel, Harvey, and Zuckerberg faced huge backlash because they basically committed war crimes. So when they got back to the New Republic of Rossania, Obama turned on the three prophets proving himself to be the one true Rossian Prophet on behalf of Bob Ross. Soon after, a large-scale double revolution split across the nation. Rossania was split on if they should kill the three prophets or let them rule in a constitutional monarchy ESC nation. Eventually, the Constitutional monarchists won the war and were able to protect the prophets. Obama became the constitutional king of Rossania.

Moral of the story-

No... There is no moral to this story. What did you even expect, this is a story about Mark Zuckerberg, Steve Urkel, and Steve Harvey founding a religion and defeating an off-brand Ellen Degenerous played as a warlord tyrant. If you even came close to a moral that is meaningful and fits this story then please tell me because you need to be sent to mental detainment because you are a borderline psychopath.

Who knew Ween-Wan could exist? I didn’t. Ween-Wan is funny because I didn’t know it existed until yesterday morning. That fact would change everything I ever knew. Ween-Wan was no longer a nonexistent concept; it was a real thing with real mucus. Luckily, I lost my mind the day I found out, but I would never see my flesh the same way again. The Ween-Wan was composed of a fleshy, viscous, and translucent sauce; it reminded me of my hometown of Bingusland. Although I missed my home in Bingusland, I would never be going back. There were streetlights made of that good gloppy stuff. It was a paradise for some, but it never was for me. I had to leave; the bright yellow glop was eye-piercing. Once I left Bingusland to go to Smithy’s City, I felt free. I abandoned my home in Bingusland because I felt accomplished; many people would kill to get to Bingusland, but not me. I still remember the last thing my landlord said to me, “Don’t forget to bring that good gloppy gloop stuff”. He said this in his trademark accent, like he was choking on a copper wire, probably because he actually was. He died soon after that, and I was prepared to leave. He believed in me, he believed in the Ween-Wan. On another note, where am I? I can’t seem to figure out where I am right now. It seems like I’m stuck in a cavern in the ground, made of fleshy clam stuff. I almost tripped but I didn’t. Don’t worry though, I think I found the way out. I see a large hole in the ground; it’s not bottomless, but it is pretty deep. I have seven parachutes just in case the first one doesn’t work. Scratch that, It turns out I didn’t need to jump down the hole; it was painted on the ground. I guess I’ll just get out the old-fashioned way, with a Ween-Wan. I threw the Ween-Wan at the cave wall, but it didn’t work. Maybe I’ll just use this door that was here the whole time, but I don’t have a key. I spent a good three hours trying to find a key, but then I realized something: the key was in my heart all along. So I pulled out my industrial-grade hand saw and started sawing. I was right, there was a key inside my heart. Sadly the key did not go to the door. I slapped my palm on my forehead when I realized that I was pushing on the door this whole time; I should have been pulling it. I had a good-old laugh when I finally pulled the door open. Then I died a painful death due to the rapid blood-loss I experienced immediately after I cut my heart out. May this be a lesson on why you should believe in yourself and not let anybody tell you that your dreams don’t matter. Catch you on the flipside South Dakota. 

In the war-torn region of Nagorno-Karabakh, Azerbaijan; there lived a little otter. This little otter’s name was Şemsettin Rızvan, although many just called him Shim. Shim lived in a cabin in the woods, separated from society. He had no way of knowing that he was in the heartland of a destructive war. Shim grew up with his parents and his three siblings; he had always wanted to leave his forest to see other people. 

Shim had left his cabin to collect a present for his mother, something he did every day. He explored deep into the forest, picking any flower that seemed different than the last. He did this for hours without ever realizing the passing of the day. An unknown noise, one louder than any other noise he had ever heard, distracted him. He looked around everywhere for whatever was producing this sound. While looking, Shim noticed a large metal object gliding through the sky. While Shim had seen these before, they were never this close. He watched as the object painted a cloud of smoke across the sky. The object had left his sight and he took it as a sign to return home. On his way back home, he heard another loud sound; this sound was much louder than the one prior. Shim was sort of ignorant, so he continued to walk slowly back home without a care in the world. Out of fear of being punished, he didn’t mention the noise.

Shim followed the rest of his everyday schedule: playing on the trampoline, eating, and talking to his siblings. At the end of the day, Shim went to his mother’s office, where she would sit most of the day. Shim handed his mother the present. Without even looking in his direction, she handed it back to him and dropped her head. Shim took the gift he collected and put it in his closet, on top of a pile of other presents. Shim fell asleep early in the day, as he did every single day without fail. He dreamt of sound, only sound. He heard the voices of his parents and siblings. The sound kept going on and on until he woke up. The house was hotter than usual, he didn’t like the unfamiliarity of it.  Shim walked out his bedroom door to see that half of the living room was gone and the other half was on fire. He immediately ran to his mother’s office, but she wasn't there. Maybe she was in her bedroom but he knew never to disturb his parent’s sleep. He went to his siblings’ rooms to tell them of the fire but they weren’t there. Shim didn’t want to leave the house without his parents’ permission so he just sat in his room until he knew it was morning. 

When he came back out of his room there was almost nothing left, his room seemed to have been the last remnant of the house. It seemed like the fire had only granted him mercy. All that was once home was now ash and his family was nowhere to be seen. It seemed like they had just vanished. He didn’t want to leave the remains of the house even though he knew his parents were no longer there to punish him. So he stayed there for a week, removing all the presents from his closet; most of the flowers decayed with time. After this week of isolation, Shim decided to leave. He didn’t just want to leave the house though, he wanted to leave the forest. 

Shim set out with a can of beans and a small cardboard box. Shim took his time, picking up anything cool he found and putting it in the box. Because the box was so small he had to throw things away quite often. Anything new to Shim was cool, so the farther he ventured from his home the more things he had to replace. Shim had somehow forgotten all about the events at home, for now he felt more at home than ever. 

Eventually, Shim made it out of the forest. He was now walking past cabins that weren’t like his own; they had blue-capped roofs and brick walls. Shim knocked on almost every door until eventually someone actually answered. A man came to the door and Shim began talking. The man was noticeably confused; he did not speak Shim’s language. The man was a polyglot: He knew English, Russian, Armenian, Turkish, and Azerbaijani; but he had never heard the language Shim spoke. The man stuck his hand out in front of Shim to get him to quiet down; Shim didn’t understand this but he instinctively stopped talking anyway. The man was incredibly curious about who Shim was. The inside of his house had piles of books and loose papers. After a couple of minutes, the man told Shim his name; he pointed at himself and said “Hasan”, Shim did the same. Shim fell asleep before Hasan could even offer a bed. 

The next morning Hasan couldn’t find Shim anywhere. He was starting to believe that he imagined it. After a couple of hours, Shim came back with a tin can wrapped in leaves. Shim handed it to Hasan and he opened it; it was full of an assortment of flowers, sticks, and rocks. Hasan looked back up at Shim with a smile and said ,“thank you”. Shim was still looking at Hasan in anticipation of what he might do with it. Hasan then placed the present on his desk and patted Shim’s shoulder. Shim immediately hugged Hasan and  in broken English said “thank kew”. 

This went on for months, with Shim slowly learning English and Hasan quickly building up a collection of random objects brought home by Shim. In the third month Hasan had found Shim’s family; they had been wandering around the countryside for a while. Hasan told Shim that they would be back to get him. Shim understood enough of what Hasan was saying to know what he meant. Shim seemed happy at first, but that joy was slowly draining. With each trip to collect a present for Hasan he had grown less and less eager to go home. He took a break from collecting presents until the day before his mother’s arrival. On that day, he went out and collected the best things he could find for his mother. He sat near the door for the entire rest of the day. As soon as he saw his mother he handed her the present; she just rolled her eyes and motioned Shim to come with her. Shim looked at her in disbelief for a couple of seconds before turning around and running back through the house; where he gave the present to Hasan. Hasan tried to tell Shim that he had to leave, but Shim said quietly, “No thank you”.